Critics Corner

One of my favorite activities in Kansas City (besides going to the WWI memorial almost daily) is pointing out the cultural differences between Kansas City and the east coast. Though it's tiresome for my loved ones, it keeps me alert and prevents early onset Alzheimer's.
An example from last night: I attended a going away party on a warm but breezy summer evening in a magical Swiss Family Robinson house. Young and old gathered to wish the great Frank & Sarah farewell and good luck on their journey to NYC. There was couscous, vegetables, salads and in the corner, a bucket full of pulled pork. Michael and I made tiny sandwiches and walked around with loose meat falling where it may. This would not have occurred back east.

In The Year 2010

Nobody told me Kansas City summers were like Haitian heat waves. Each day for the past 2 or 3 weeks I step outside and my bodily functions reverse themselves. It's like that theory where all life is created by infinite spirals and mine chokes, vomits a little and starts chugging backwards. Historically, genetically, I should be dancing around Stonehenge wearing layers of Druid priestess garb (likely something functional and breathable, a raw linen or Irish cotton) on a rainy somewhat cool Solstice eve. Instead, I'm unable to complete full sentences or walk in a straight line, it's like being drunk but without any of the joy and only the following days depression. Luckily, there isn't a proper public transportation system in Kansas City so I hop in my car, hold the door open for a few seconds to release some of the swamp heat and immediately turn on the A.C (which after sitting in the lot for 10 hrs is like sticking your face in the oven while your broiling some moldy ribs. I really need to change the air filter).
Anyways it seems some of the locals discovered a way to beat the heat and avoid the sweaty butt, inner thigh rash, dripping t-shirt hazards of walking in these conditions. Their chosen system of transport is.....
The SEGWAY.
Kansas Citians ride around in these things like it's totally normal. Cops use Segways to control their "wild" midwestern public. It's like the Terminator over here or RoboCop. I want to keep one near my desk at work and use it when I need to get up to file some paperwork. Are there toilets on these things? Kitchenettes? Do they have sleeping chambers? It is like living in Tron over here and nobody else seem to notice. It's making me insane.